Why Do I Half-Measure?

Half Measures Availed us Nothing: The Slippery Slope

If I’m told that half-measures availed us nothing, how come I still do it? This is a million dollar question.

When I start getting into my own head (aka obsessing) everything becomes blurred. In a few short minutes I can go from a seemingly rational, intelligent (if I may say so myself!) woman to a bumbling buffoon. Seriously. Suddenly the idea of an extra fruit seems completely rational. The same goes for surfing online. It all seems like if I just do it a little bit, I’ll be able to pass the time without getting into trouble. I’ll just eat one extra plum, right? Uh, no! Because I conveniently forget that I will not be able to eat only one. The likelihood is that I’m going to eat all five in the refrigerator.  And if I’m out of plums I’ll move onto nectarines, bananas, applesauce, or any other fruit. And if I’m really in a bad place I’ll eat veggies, proteins, and even carbs too.

It’s the same with the internet or acting out sexually. It’ll start with something very “innocent”. I’m just going to look up why this happens, or how that works… Or I’m just going to take a shower (a real danger spot for me).

And before you know it, my body’s responded and I’m craving my addictions. And, yet, in that moment before I start to half measure I absolutely can not see that this will happen. I believe myself, 100%, that I can limit myself. It’s part of the insanity of addiction.

Now that I’m working to move past this bump in the road, I need to ask myself a few questions. What safety measures can I put in place? What do I need to work on? Basically, hat do I need to change? I know only too well that nothing changes if nothing changes.

Here are some of the steps I’ve taken:

  1. I have cut out all nuts from my food plan (including cashew and almond butter). Though my nutritionist told me that it’s alright if I don’t eat more than 20 g, I found them to be a binge food, just like white potato is for me.
  2. I have committed to calling my OA sponsor every day (other than when Shabbos ends too late). In the same vein, I have committed to get nutritional guidance with reintroducing foods into my food plan and to following a guided plan (from a recovery perspective).
  3. I have committed to call an SA friend each morning and we go over a list of questions that help us gauge where we stand with our sobriety.
  4. I reached out to Rachel to tell her what’s been going on and committed to stop by every night this week (she really wanted me to move in for a week but I panicked).
  5. I’ve been listening to inspirational lectures about the High Holidays on may way to and from work.
  6. I set stronger restrictions on my internet access at work.

Now I know that none of these things are really going to prevent me from self-destruction. If I’m in that mode, it’s always only downhill. However, these safety measure are to remind me when I’m struggling, what it is that I really want. They are delaying tactics that may give me pause in my actions and give me the opportunity to reach out to someone, get safe, and know that I’m going to be accountable to someone other than me and my Higher Power. I just hope I can maintain these changes. Pray for me.

Have a fulfilling, serene day!

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