noun \ri-ˈlaps, ˈrē-ˌ\
-the return of an illness after a period of improvement
-a return to bad behavior that you had stopped doing
I hate that word! What it indicates, what it feels like, and what it means.
But with addiction, what classifies something as having lost sobriety. In AA, NA, MA, CA, and the like, it’s rather clear: putting a substance in your body. But what about OA and SA? You can’t stop putting all food in your mouth, nor can you prevent your brain from releasing sex hormones. So how do I set parameters?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I relapsed in OA. While I haven’t eaten anything with flour or sugar, I’ve been very much “in the food”. I was eating like an addict. I’ve got 3 issues with food. One is that there are foods that are addictive across the board (sugar, flour, chocolate). Another are my personal trigger foods that don’t let me stop eating anything once it’s in my system (white potato, cornmeal). And the last is volume.
When I eat too much, I not only feel sick, but it actually causes me to crave more food; any food. I mean, I like gala apples, but to eat 4 in a row is a bit much. As is drinking most of a container of milk (yeah, my stomach sure ain’t happy with me right now). This is the area I’ve been having trouble in.
So yeah, I’ve my illness has returned after a period of improvement, and I have gone back to bad behavior that I had stopped doing… I relapsed. So we are now on day one.
Lily would ask me to do a chain analysis. That means look at what happened before and determine where my week spot was and then fortify myself. So here goes…
- I’ve been having an extra rough time with sleeping. It’s the “T” in HALTS (see acronyms here). It’s been deteriorating.
- I never really got back to myself from the bar mitzvah
- I haven’t really gotten back on track since I binged on the cashew butter
- I think the Ezekiel bread and cereal are triggering cravings
- I’m working super hard to get clean without any slips in SA and I’m exchanging addictions
- I haven’t been committing my food at the beginning of each day
- I’ve been lax with measuring and weighing
Now that I know what triggered me, here are some safety measures that I’m taking:
- I’ve spoken to my psychiatrist and we are playing around with my sleeping meds. She also said, that if I don’t see an improvement this week, she’s going to give me something to knock me out over the holiday of Sukkos, just so that I can catch up.
- I’ve gotta stop isolating and get my act together. I need to reach out to others within and without recovery.
- I don’t want to throw out the Ezkiel foods (they’re quite pricey), but I emailed a friend who likes this sort of stuff to ask her if I can bring it over
- I’m working extra hard to focus on my surrender. Not to just surrender my food, or my sex addiction, or even alcohol. I’m talking surrendering all along with everything else in my life. I also make sure to speak with my friend, Sarah, each day and we do a mini “emotional inventory”
- I’ve told my OA food sponsor what’s been going on. I committed my food today and recommitted to doing it every day
- I was careful to weigh and measure all my foods for breakfast and lunch today
- I’m praying, praying, praying!
I want this recovery really badly. I need it. So say a prayer for me too!
Have a sober and serene day,