Can I get real sobriety?
This is a very weighty question. I know I want it, but it seems to me that I just can’t get it. When I strengthen myself in one, I somehow manage to act on another.
I’ve got 15 days since I had my last slip in SA. Yet, I’ve been all over the place with the food. Yesterday I did something I couldn’t imagine I’d ever do. I ate 28 oatmeal cookies. Granted, they weren’t regular cookies. I used a recipe that I found here (I used the version the author made). But I still ate an entire batch. And, yes! My stomach is really hurting me today…
It scared me out of my mind. Here I am, successfully maintaining my food plan, and out of nowhere, boom! I totally lose myself in a way I never have before.
And here enters a new concept for me. As Lily pointed out, it may not be only the actual ingredients that trigger cravings and binges. It can be a combination, or even just the form it takes. That is to say, had I made the exact same thing as just a meal (breakfast, most likely) in a pot and eaten it like my daily morning oatmeal, it may not have done that to me. The fact that they were shaped like cookies and that I believed I was eating cookies, may have been enough to trigger the binge and craving. It’s something major for me to think about.
Regardless, there is no way I’m going to be making myself any kind of oatmeal cookies in the near future! I gotta get back on track. And I was so good for most of last week.
I spoke with Leah this afternoon. She is my original OA sponsor. I got in touch with her through Lily (they grew up together). She’s really so amazing. She was so kind and understanding. She gave me some practical ideas to help me get back on track.
I’ve committed to reaching out before each meal, and then again after the meal to commit to eating the correct amount and not eating until the next meal. It’s going to be a tough one, but I’ll try.
She also pointed out that I need to do more outreach calls. I’m really not great with that in OA. I think it’s because most of the people I know in OA are within my town’s community, whereas with AA and SA, 99.9% are not in the orthodox Jewish community. I still worry about being misunderstood. It’s a really closed community and if anyone has these sorts of issues they keep it to themselves so that it doesn’t become the talk of the town.
While other members are also there for recovery, they only get the food addiction, for the most part. I have never met another orthodox Jewish woman in AA (though I am fairly certain that I’m not the only one, lol!). Also, I have found in my town that OA has become a fad to some people. Sitting in meetings you can tell who’s there because they are an addict and who’s there because they want to get control over their eating and like the spiritual part of the program. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got no problem with those people using the fellowship as a tool for successful living. It’s just that they don’t get it in the same way. It’s not visceral for them. And so, I hesitate to share and be a part of the group (NOT good for my sobriety, at all!) and it makes reaching out so much more difficult.
But I am going to try my very best. I will try to call Esther on my way home from work today. She’s reached out to me a number of times so I feel most comfortable reaching out to her.
Leah also pointed out that I haven’t been getting to as many meetings as I used to since I started this job. And she is 100% correct. I’ve gotta pick up more meetings. So tonight I will stop off at an AA meeting on my way home.
And then, tomorrow we’ll start over again! I don’t know if this is what’ll do the trick, but I’m going to try. As I’ve read in the SA White Book, “Without God, I can’t. Without me, God won’t.”
Have a sober and serene day!