Can I get real sobriety?
This is a very weighty question. I know I want it, but it seems to me that I just can’t get it. When I strengthen myself in one, I somehow manage to act on another.
I’ve got 15 days since I had my last slip in SA. Yet, I’ve been all over the place with the food. Yesterday I did something I couldn’t imagine I’d ever do. I ate 28 oatmeal cookies. Granted, they weren’t regular cookies. I used a recipe that I found here (I used the version the author made). But I still ate an entire batch. And, yes! My stomach is really hurting me today… Continue reading Can I Really Get Sober?
Dave is my brother-in-law.
Straight from the get-go things were always a bit awkward between us. I used to chalk it up to a chemistry thing. I’m not so sure about that, though. I have a feeling that my sister told him about our sexual acting out and the general dysfunction of our relationship. And I don’t hold that against her at all. It’s just the facts.
Additionally, Dave, much like myself, has a very strong personality. I also know that he has some “history” that he came to the marriage with, Continue reading Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible (Part 2)
Asking My Ego to Never Deny Something
Yeah, that’s a huge part of my 8th and 9th steps. When my E.G.O. steps in, it’s a clear indication that I’m Easing God Out of my life (Good Orderly Direction). That is the ultimate denial of everything that I hold dear in my recovery and healing.
As long as I am not willing to make amends with someone, I am denying the reality of my responsibility in what occurred. And so long as I deny that, I can not move on and past it. I can not forgive myself.
It’s not easy coming to a place that you can actually do all this. Continue reading Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible (Part 1)
I’ve always liked acronyms. Starting in 3rd grade with R.O.Y. G. B.I.V. and through college and work, and beyond (DNA, RNA, GPS, GNSS, MIA, ETA, AWOL…). So, when I came into recovery I took to using acronyms like a fish to water. We all know that recovery is full of them, but I remember the moment that I understood just how important they can be.
I was with my first AA sponsor, Robin. She had this little frog on the dashboard of her car. I never mentioned it because I assumed she just had a thing for frogs. Continue reading Recovery Acronyms
Half Measures Availed us Nothing: The Slippery Slope
If I’m told that half-measures availed us nothing, how come I still do it? This is a million dollar question.
When I start getting into my own head (aka obsessing) everything becomes blurred. In a few short minutes I can go from a seemingly rational, intelligent (if I may say so myself!) woman to a bumbling buffoon. Seriously. Suddenly the idea of an extra fruit seems completely rational. The same goes for surfing online. It all seems like if I just do it a little bit, I’ll be able to pass the time without getting into trouble. Continue reading Why Do I Half-Measure?
Daily Sobriety Renewal Checklist*
These questions are shared between recovery partners at the beginning of the day.
Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust and sexual acting out/food/alcohol/drug of choice just for today?
Do you desire sobriety for the next 24 hours: freedom from obsession and acting out, freedom from fear, resentment, shame, and isolation?
Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this desire?
And, just for today, are you willing, with me, to hand over your will and the care of your life to God?
Did anything happen in the last 24 hours that we need to bring into the open?
Are you aware of anything in your plans for the next 24 hours of which you might become ashamed? Any danger zones, slippery spots on the horizon we should bring to the light?
Close by exchanging at least one gratitude.
* Taken from the SA newsletter: The Essay
In the very beginning of my recovery journey, I had a very difficult time understanding what surrendering means in recovery. I only ever new it in an interpersonal context. Like when General Lee’s surrender to General Grant. Or even in a philosophical way, as in when I surrender to my desires (alcoholic, food, sexual, painful, or the like). Surrender always had a negative connotation when it was me that needed to surrender. In my mind my surrender equaled the “other side’s” victory. They were mutually exclusive.
Here I was being told just the opposite. I was told that if I surrender than I become the victor. I had an extremely difficult time wrapping my mind around that. The fact that I was still “hazy” from alcohol may have contributed to that, but long after I had dried out I was still in the mental fog and emotional blur that takes more time to clear. But even after that had lifted for the most part, I couldn’t understand how surrender could equate victory, nor how in the world I was supposed to go about achieving it. Continue reading Surrender: Can I really “give it over”?
As promised, here are 2 relatively recent stories that depict my surrender and how, when I can get to that place and am able to let Him, God takes over.
The first goes back to a little over 2 years ago. It was June of 2012. I had been out of a job for about 6 months. I was falling deeper and deeper into debt. I had stopped going to school, hoping that I’d heal in therapy and get a full-time job to help me pull through financially. Each month had come and gone. I wasn’t making ends meet, to the point that I seriously did not have enough money to cover the minimums on my credit cards. If my cards were frozen I wouldn’t be able to by anything, including my meds. Continue reading To Let Go and Let God
I’m trying. I really am.
It’s time to come clean (so to speak, anyway). Two nights ago I binged. Well, I didn’t lose my time because I only ate foods that are on my food plan, but I sure ate too much. I had a few extra ounces of chicken, 4 bananas, 3 nectarines, and a plum, all of which were more than I was allowed to have… And it scared me something awful. I haven’t slipped like this yet in OA. Even last week’s slip was minor compared to this. And it felt miserable. I was such a basket case that I didn’t know what to do with myself. The way I stopped was by texting my therapist (I’m going to call her Lilly for anonymity’s sake). That’s when she got on the phone with me. And she talked to me until I was committed to not doing anything stupid. Continue reading Doing the Next Right Thing