Selfish vs Self-Preservation
Putting Money in the Bank: Putting Me First
I had a very hard time with this concept in the beginning of recovery. I knew family was a priority. I also knew that I’d do whatever it takes to protect my priorities. Or so I thought.
I would do anything for anyone that I cared about so long as it didn’t contradict my moral compass. I’d do it even if it meant giving up what I had or wanted. I’d go all out. I always tried to remove myself from the equation. That was selfless, no? Continue reading Priorities: Putting Me First
Half Measures Availed us Nothing: The Slippery Slope
If I’m told that half-measures availed us nothing, how come I still do it? This is a million dollar question.
When I start getting into my own head (aka obsessing) everything becomes blurred. In a few short minutes I can go from a seemingly rational, intelligent (if I may say so myself!) woman to a bumbling buffoon. Seriously. Suddenly the idea of an extra fruit seems completely rational. The same goes for surfing online. It all seems like if I just do it a little bit, I’ll be able to pass the time without getting into trouble. Continue reading Why Do I Half-Measure?
I must say, I am really disappointed.
After all my struggling these past few weeks, I’ve finally started to get back on track. (I plan on writing a post about that slippery slope.) With food, in particular, I’ve been very responsible. I’ve prepared ahead and frozen the portions for later in time. Thank God, I didn’t have any slips yesterday. Finally!!!
Today, like any other day, I prepared my lunch as my breakfast was cooking on the stove. I woke up a few minutes late so I figured I’d keep it simple. Continue reading What do I do with a spoiled lunch?
Daily Sobriety Renewal Checklist*
These questions are shared between recovery partners at the beginning of the day.
Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust and sexual acting out/food/alcohol/drug of choice just for today?
Do you desire sobriety for the next 24 hours: freedom from obsession and acting out, freedom from fear, resentment, shame, and isolation?
Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this desire?
And, just for today, are you willing, with me, to hand over your will and the care of your life to God?
Did anything happen in the last 24 hours that we need to bring into the open?
Are you aware of anything in your plans for the next 24 hours of which you might become ashamed? Any danger zones, slippery spots on the horizon we should bring to the light?
Close by exchanging at least one gratitude.
* Taken from the SA newsletter: The Essay
And the insurance saga continues…
Friday found me on the phone for 1 hour and 55 minutes with the insurance company (I timed it!). The guy was infuriatingly unhelpful. He kept putting me on hold for these really long stretches. Then he started with the “it doesn’t stop by me” mode. I really was losing my patience at that point. I told him over and over again that I know it doesn’t. I said that I got that and I don’t mind being transferred to someone else that can do it for me. Continue reading Infuriating Insurance: Is there such a thing as “Being an Insurance Employee for Dummies”?
Labor Day… Judy Style!
For many people, Labor Day conjures up an image of getting together with family and/or friends. A day at the shore that culminates with a cookout, laughter, and just a hint of dread for the long winter months up ahead. I skipped the family cookout from last night. There was no way I was going to go spend more time with the blood family, at this point. I’m still trying to get back to myself from the after effects of the bar mitzvah. And I don’t have any get togethers with friends. But I did hope to get a lot of stuff done, with my primary concern being to get my car to the mechanic. Continue reading Labor Day: What would I do without legal holidays?
Today may not have felt like a good day, but, all things considered, it really was.
I was up by 6:30 or so, and unable to fall back asleep again. I got up, showered, and started preparing breakfast. Lilly texted me at 7:25 asking me if I can come at 7:30. It turns out she was really out of town for Labor Day weekend but came back in special to see me because she didn’t get to see me last week. She then drove back (1+ hours) to her extended family where she had left her children overnight. It really means a lot to me. Continue reading Today was a Good Day
In the very beginning of my recovery journey, I had a very difficult time understanding what surrendering means in recovery. I only ever new it in an interpersonal context. Like when General Lee’s surrender to General Grant. Or even in a philosophical way, as in when I surrender to my desires (alcoholic, food, sexual, painful, or the like). Surrender always had a negative connotation when it was me that needed to surrender. In my mind my surrender equaled the “other side’s” victory. They were mutually exclusive.
Here I was being told just the opposite. I was told that if I surrender than I become the victor. I had an extremely difficult time wrapping my mind around that. The fact that I was still “hazy” from alcohol may have contributed to that, but long after I had dried out I was still in the mental fog and emotional blur that takes more time to clear. But even after that had lifted for the most part, I couldn’t understand how surrender could equate victory, nor how in the world I was supposed to go about achieving it. Continue reading Surrender: Can I really “give it over”?
I really am an intelligent person (or I like to think so), but for some reason, when it comes to insurance – any kind at all – I’ve got this insurmountable, overwhelming mental block. I just don’t get how they work, what I need to do, and why everything with them is so complicated and drawn out.
I sometimes wonder if insurance companies deliberately make it so difficult to deal with them, just so that you’ll give up and let things slide while they slink away, chuckling, with your money in their pockets… Continue reading My Mental Block: Insurance
The next installment of the soap opera, though I must admit, thankfully, it could have been a whole lot more dramatic!
Yesterday was the bar mitzvah. I started my day off by going to an AA meeting at 9 am. I’m so happy I did! I got to see Johnna. Johnna’s an old friend from my original homegroup where I got sober. As with most of the people from that meeting, I haven’t seen her in over a year. My other friend, Marion, is filling the chairperson seat of that meeting this term. She and Johnna are super close, so it really shouldn’t’ve surprised me that Marion asked Johnna to speak. I just didn’t expect it. Of course she completely did not recognize me at all. When she realized who I was (“I’m Judy, and I’m an alcoholic…”) she got super excited! It was a great start for a long day. Continue reading Drama, Drama, Drama