The Great Flood
Wow! It’s been a really long time since I last posted. So very much has happened in my life. But I’m going to start with last night. It’s what makes me feel so overwhelmed…
I decided that I was going to try to help myself. I put the dishes drying next to the sink in the correct cabinet and then proceeded to wash the dishes.
Now, for a while already, there’s been a slightly bad smell in my apartment. I couldn’t figure out what. I assumed that if I really clean up and get organized I’d find it.
As I was washing the dishes I sat there thinking about making shabbos and how to reorganize everything. Suddenly, I felt water dripping on my feet. I’m not always so neat while washing the dishes so I didn’t think too much of it. Until it hit me that they weren’t getting damp, I realized I made a much bigger mess than I thought because there was a lot of water on the floor. I got towel and started to wipe down the counter in front of the sink and then the cabinet below it. When I opened the door I noticed that there was a HUGE flood in there and that the water was still pouring onto my feet. Continue reading When It Rains It Pours (Even in my apartment!)
Can I get real sobriety?
This is a very weighty question. I know I want it, but it seems to me that I just can’t get it. When I strengthen myself in one, I somehow manage to act on another.
I’ve got 15 days since I had my last slip in SA. Yet, I’ve been all over the place with the food. Yesterday I did something I couldn’t imagine I’d ever do. I ate 28 oatmeal cookies. Granted, they weren’t regular cookies. I used a recipe that I found here (I used the version the author made). But I still ate an entire batch. And, yes! My stomach is really hurting me today… Continue reading Can I Really Get Sober?
Dave is my brother-in-law.
Straight from the get-go things were always a bit awkward between us. I used to chalk it up to a chemistry thing. I’m not so sure about that, though. I have a feeling that my sister told him about our sexual acting out and the general dysfunction of our relationship. And I don’t hold that against her at all. It’s just the facts.
Additionally, Dave, much like myself, has a very strong personality. I also know that he has some “history” that he came to the marriage with, Continue reading Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible (Part 2)
Asking My Ego to Never Deny Something
Yeah, that’s a huge part of my 8th and 9th steps. When my E.G.O. steps in, it’s a clear indication that I’m Easing God Out of my life (Good Orderly Direction). That is the ultimate denial of everything that I hold dear in my recovery and healing.
As long as I am not willing to make amends with someone, I am denying the reality of my responsibility in what occurred. And so long as I deny that, I can not move on and past it. I can not forgive myself.
It’s not easy coming to a place that you can actually do all this. Continue reading Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible (Part 1)
I’ve always liked acronyms. Starting in 3rd grade with R.O.Y. G. B.I.V. and through college and work, and beyond (DNA, RNA, GPS, GNSS, MIA, ETA, AWOL…). So, when I came into recovery I took to using acronyms like a fish to water. We all know that recovery is full of them, but I remember the moment that I understood just how important they can be.
I was with my first AA sponsor, Robin. She had this little frog on the dashboard of her car. I never mentioned it because I assumed she just had a thing for frogs. Continue reading Recovery Acronyms
Selfish vs Self-Preservation
Putting Money in the Bank: Putting Me First
I had a very hard time with this concept in the beginning of recovery. I knew family was a priority. I also knew that I’d do whatever it takes to protect my priorities. Or so I thought.
I would do anything for anyone that I cared about so long as it didn’t contradict my moral compass. I’d do it even if it meant giving up what I had or wanted. I’d go all out. I always tried to remove myself from the equation. That was selfless, no? Continue reading Priorities: Putting Me First
Half Measures Availed us Nothing: The Slippery Slope
If I’m told that half-measures availed us nothing, how come I still do it? This is a million dollar question.
When I start getting into my own head (aka obsessing) everything becomes blurred. In a few short minutes I can go from a seemingly rational, intelligent (if I may say so myself!) woman to a bumbling buffoon. Seriously. Suddenly the idea of an extra fruit seems completely rational. The same goes for surfing online. It all seems like if I just do it a little bit, I’ll be able to pass the time without getting into trouble. Continue reading Why Do I Half-Measure?
I must say, I am really disappointed.
After all my struggling these past few weeks, I’ve finally started to get back on track. (I plan on writing a post about that slippery slope.) With food, in particular, I’ve been very responsible. I’ve prepared ahead and frozen the portions for later in time. Thank God, I didn’t have any slips yesterday. Finally!!!
Today, like any other day, I prepared my lunch as my breakfast was cooking on the stove. I woke up a few minutes late so I figured I’d keep it simple. Continue reading What do I do with a spoiled lunch?
And the insurance saga continues…
Friday found me on the phone for 1 hour and 55 minutes with the insurance company (I timed it!). The guy was infuriatingly unhelpful. He kept putting me on hold for these really long stretches. Then he started with the “it doesn’t stop by me” mode. I really was losing my patience at that point. I told him over and over again that I know it doesn’t. I said that I got that and I don’t mind being transferred to someone else that can do it for me. Continue reading Infuriating Insurance: Is there such a thing as “Being an Insurance Employee for Dummies”?