Dave is my brother-in-law.
Straight from the get-go things were always a bit awkward between us. I used to chalk it up to a chemistry thing. I’m not so sure about that, though. I have a feeling that my sister told him about our sexual acting out and the general dysfunction of our relationship. And I don’t hold that against her at all. It’s just the facts.
Additionally, Dave, much like myself, has a very strong personality. I also know that he has some “history” that he came to the marriage with, Continue reading Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible (Part 2)
Asking My Ego to Never Deny Something
Yeah, that’s a huge part of my 8th and 9th steps. When my E.G.O. steps in, it’s a clear indication that I’m Easing God Out of my life (Good Orderly Direction). That is the ultimate denial of everything that I hold dear in my recovery and healing.
As long as I am not willing to make amends with someone, I am denying the reality of my responsibility in what occurred. And so long as I deny that, I can not move on and past it. I can not forgive myself.
It’s not easy coming to a place that you can actually do all this. Continue reading Step 9: Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible (Part 1)
Selfish vs Self-Preservation
Putting Money in the Bank: Putting Me First
I had a very hard time with this concept in the beginning of recovery. I knew family was a priority. I also knew that I’d do whatever it takes to protect my priorities. Or so I thought.
I would do anything for anyone that I cared about so long as it didn’t contradict my moral compass. I’d do it even if it meant giving up what I had or wanted. I’d go all out. I always tried to remove myself from the equation. That was selfless, no? Continue reading Priorities: Putting Me First
The next installment of the soap opera, though I must admit, thankfully, it could have been a whole lot more dramatic!
Yesterday was the bar mitzvah. I started my day off by going to an AA meeting at 9 am. I’m so happy I did! I got to see Johnna. Johnna’s an old friend from my original homegroup where I got sober. As with most of the people from that meeting, I haven’t seen her in over a year. My other friend, Marion, is filling the chairperson seat of that meeting this term. She and Johnna are super close, so it really shouldn’t’ve surprised me that Marion asked Johnna to speak. I just didn’t expect it. Of course she completely did not recognize me at all. When she realized who I was (“I’m Judy, and I’m an alcoholic…”) she got super excited! It was a great start for a long day. Continue reading Drama, Drama, Drama
As promised, here are 2 relatively recent stories that depict my surrender and how, when I can get to that place and am able to let Him, God takes over.
The first goes back to a little over 2 years ago. It was June of 2012. I had been out of a job for about 6 months. I was falling deeper and deeper into debt. I had stopped going to school, hoping that I’d heal in therapy and get a full-time job to help me pull through financially. Each month had come and gone. I wasn’t making ends meet, to the point that I seriously did not have enough money to cover the minimums on my credit cards. If my cards were frozen I wouldn’t be able to by anything, including my meds. Continue reading To Let Go and Let God
My Higher Power is with Me
Yesterday was a real winner of a day.
I’ve been stressed and anxious about this bar mitzvah. I really am worried about what it’ll do to me in terms of memories, triggers, self-esteem, and a whole lot of other things… And toward the end of the work day my mind was telling me things like, “Go online to check out…” and, “Imagine if…”. It got to the point where I was literally counting down the minutes until I went home.
In middle of all that, one of my sisters called me. I didn’t answer because I know that conversations with her can get intense and long-winded and I can’t have that kind of conversation in my office. However, it was the second time she’s called me this week and I figured I better call her back on my drive home. If not I could expect her to be calling me off the hook. So I texted her letting her know that I’d call her in about half an hour while I was driving home.
There’s a HUGE part of me that wishes I hadn’t. She was calling to see if I had an idea of what she could use to display pastries she made for the sweet table for the bar mitzvah. We talked about it for a few moments. And then, the chaos started… Continue reading The Next Episode
Here we are again, on another Monday morning.
I’ve got a bunch of mixed up feelings. On the one hand, I’m really looking forward to the summer coming to its end. That means people are coming back to town and I’ll get to see my sister-friends again.
On the other hand… Since I’ve lost so much weight and my body temperature changed so much, it’s the first time that I remember actually enjoying the heat.
As for the bar mitzvah, I’ve finally chosen the outfit I’m going to wear. Yesterday morning, I couldn’t handle the indecision anymore. I’m not yet confident and comfortable enough with my new body to actually make these sort of decisions. I’ve still got too many body image issues to feel comfortable in my own skin. For example, these days, when I haven’t seen someone in some time and I meet up with them, I tend to stand with my arms crossed because I’m not comfortable in my own skin. So I was making myself absolutely crazy. As it is I’m feeling so stressed, this just didn’t help. Continue reading Another Day in My Life
I’m Judy King. I was born in 1983 (you can do the math!) in Brooklyn, NY. When I was about 8.5 my family moved to NJ and I’ve lived here ever since.
I come from a highly dysfunctional, very large, family. I am Jewish, ultra-orthodox and love my life as it is (sometimes…). I am recovering from multiple addictions including: alcohol, food, sex, and self-harm.
Besides for a whole array of employment occupations, I’ve got hobbies, interests, and lots of drama! Continue reading Hello World!