In the very beginning of my recovery journey, I had a very difficult time understanding what surrendering means in recovery. I only ever new it in an interpersonal context. Like when General Lee’s surrender to General Grant. Or even in a philosophical way, as in when I surrender to my desires (alcoholic, food, sexual, painful, or the like). Surrender always had a negative connotation when it was me that needed to surrender. In my mind my surrender equaled the “other side’s” victory. They were mutually exclusive.
Here I was being told just the opposite. I was told that if I surrender than I become the victor. I had an extremely difficult time wrapping my mind around that. The fact that I was still “hazy” from alcohol may have contributed to that, but long after I had dried out I was still in the mental fog and emotional blur that takes more time to clear. But even after that had lifted for the most part, I couldn’t understand how surrender could equate victory, nor how in the world I was supposed to go about achieving it. Continue reading Surrender: Can I really “give it over”?
As promised, here are 2 relatively recent stories that depict my surrender and how, when I can get to that place and am able to let Him, God takes over.
The first goes back to a little over 2 years ago. It was June of 2012. I had been out of a job for about 6 months. I was falling deeper and deeper into debt. I had stopped going to school, hoping that I’d heal in therapy and get a full-time job to help me pull through financially. Each month had come and gone. I wasn’t making ends meet, to the point that I seriously did not have enough money to cover the minimums on my credit cards. If my cards were frozen I wouldn’t be able to by anything, including my meds. Continue reading To Let Go and Let God
I’m trying. I really am.
It’s time to come clean (so to speak, anyway). Two nights ago I binged. Well, I didn’t lose my time because I only ate foods that are on my food plan, but I sure ate too much. I had a few extra ounces of chicken, 4 bananas, 3 nectarines, and a plum, all of which were more than I was allowed to have… And it scared me something awful. I haven’t slipped like this yet in OA. Even last week’s slip was minor compared to this. And it felt miserable. I was such a basket case that I didn’t know what to do with myself. The way I stopped was by texting my therapist (I’m going to call her Lilly for anonymity’s sake). That’s when she got on the phone with me. And she talked to me until I was committed to not doing anything stupid. Continue reading Doing the Next Right Thing
So, yeah… I had a slip in my OA recovery
Now I’ve gotten this question many times, what’s considered cheating for you? For all non-addicts out there, know this. For an addict, 100% abstinence is needed in order to maintain recovery. And for all of you who aren’t food addicts, know that with food I have 2 areas that I need to maintain abstinence. The first is trigger foods. For me that is sugar, flour, white potatoes, and cornmeal. The second is volume binging (yes, I’ve used the coined slang). That means either eating too much, and sometimes even just eating too fast. Normally, when I eat too fast I can catch myself and slow down. But overeating… uh uh uh! Not a good thing ever. I also need to be careful to not under-eat (!!!). Sometimes, if I am too lazy to add the extra drop to get the exact weight I end up hearing my addiction telling me, “Come on… You were missing 0.6 oz. You can have a drop more to fill the quota.” Additionally, if I wait too long to eat (if I’m on the road or out shopping), I end up eating way too quickly. Continue reading What’s Cheating? Lesson Learned!