Today may not have felt like a good day, but, all things considered, it really was.
I was up by 6:30 or so, and unable to fall back asleep again. I got up, showered, and started preparing breakfast. Lilly texted me at 7:25 asking me if I can come at 7:30. It turns out she was really out of town for Labor Day weekend but came back in special to see me because she didn’t get to see me last week. She then drove back (1+ hours) to her extended family where she had left her children overnight. It really means a lot to me. Continue reading Today was a Good Day
In the very beginning of my recovery journey, I had a very difficult time understanding what surrendering means in recovery. I only ever new it in an interpersonal context. Like when General Lee’s surrender to General Grant. Or even in a philosophical way, as in when I surrender to my desires (alcoholic, food, sexual, painful, or the like). Surrender always had a negative connotation when it was me that needed to surrender. In my mind my surrender equaled the “other side’s” victory. They were mutually exclusive.
Here I was being told just the opposite. I was told that if I surrender than I become the victor. I had an extremely difficult time wrapping my mind around that. The fact that I was still “hazy” from alcohol may have contributed to that, but long after I had dried out I was still in the mental fog and emotional blur that takes more time to clear. But even after that had lifted for the most part, I couldn’t understand how surrender could equate victory, nor how in the world I was supposed to go about achieving it. Continue reading Surrender: Can I really “give it over”?
I really am an intelligent person (or I like to think so), but for some reason, when it comes to insurance – any kind at all – I’ve got this insurmountable, overwhelming mental block. I just don’t get how they work, what I need to do, and why everything with them is so complicated and drawn out.
I sometimes wonder if insurance companies deliberately make it so difficult to deal with them, just so that you’ll give up and let things slide while they slink away, chuckling, with your money in their pockets… Continue reading My Mental Block: Insurance
The next installment of the soap opera, though I must admit, thankfully, it could have been a whole lot more dramatic!
Yesterday was the bar mitzvah. I started my day off by going to an AA meeting at 9 am. I’m so happy I did! I got to see Johnna. Johnna’s an old friend from my original homegroup where I got sober. As with most of the people from that meeting, I haven’t seen her in over a year. My other friend, Marion, is filling the chairperson seat of that meeting this term. She and Johnna are super close, so it really shouldn’t’ve surprised me that Marion asked Johnna to speak. I just didn’t expect it. Of course she completely did not recognize me at all. When she realized who I was (“I’m Judy, and I’m an alcoholic…”) she got super excited! It was a great start for a long day. Continue reading Drama, Drama, Drama
As promised, here are 2 relatively recent stories that depict my surrender and how, when I can get to that place and am able to let Him, God takes over.
The first goes back to a little over 2 years ago. It was June of 2012. I had been out of a job for about 6 months. I was falling deeper and deeper into debt. I had stopped going to school, hoping that I’d heal in therapy and get a full-time job to help me pull through financially. Each month had come and gone. I wasn’t making ends meet, to the point that I seriously did not have enough money to cover the minimums on my credit cards. If my cards were frozen I wouldn’t be able to by anything, including my meds. Continue reading To Let Go and Let God
I’m trying. I really am.
It’s time to come clean (so to speak, anyway). Two nights ago I binged. Well, I didn’t lose my time because I only ate foods that are on my food plan, but I sure ate too much. I had a few extra ounces of chicken, 4 bananas, 3 nectarines, and a plum, all of which were more than I was allowed to have… And it scared me something awful. I haven’t slipped like this yet in OA. Even last week’s slip was minor compared to this. And it felt miserable. I was such a basket case that I didn’t know what to do with myself. The way I stopped was by texting my therapist (I’m going to call her Lilly for anonymity’s sake). That’s when she got on the phone with me. And she talked to me until I was committed to not doing anything stupid. Continue reading Doing the Next Right Thing
My Higher Power is with Me
Yesterday was a real winner of a day.
I’ve been stressed and anxious about this bar mitzvah. I really am worried about what it’ll do to me in terms of memories, triggers, self-esteem, and a whole lot of other things… And toward the end of the work day my mind was telling me things like, “Go online to check out…” and, “Imagine if…”. It got to the point where I was literally counting down the minutes until I went home.
In middle of all that, one of my sisters called me. I didn’t answer because I know that conversations with her can get intense and long-winded and I can’t have that kind of conversation in my office. However, it was the second time she’s called me this week and I figured I better call her back on my drive home. If not I could expect her to be calling me off the hook. So I texted her letting her know that I’d call her in about half an hour while I was driving home.
There’s a HUGE part of me that wishes I hadn’t. She was calling to see if I had an idea of what she could use to display pastries she made for the sweet table for the bar mitzvah. We talked about it for a few moments. And then, the chaos started… Continue reading The Next Episode
Here we are again, on another Monday morning.
I’ve got a bunch of mixed up feelings. On the one hand, I’m really looking forward to the summer coming to its end. That means people are coming back to town and I’ll get to see my sister-friends again.
On the other hand… Since I’ve lost so much weight and my body temperature changed so much, it’s the first time that I remember actually enjoying the heat.
As for the bar mitzvah, I’ve finally chosen the outfit I’m going to wear. Yesterday morning, I couldn’t handle the indecision anymore. I’m not yet confident and comfortable enough with my new body to actually make these sort of decisions. I’ve still got too many body image issues to feel comfortable in my own skin. For example, these days, when I haven’t seen someone in some time and I meet up with them, I tend to stand with my arms crossed because I’m not comfortable in my own skin. So I was making myself absolutely crazy. As it is I’m feeling so stressed, this just didn’t help. Continue reading Another Day in My Life
So, yeah… I had a slip in my OA recovery
Now I’ve gotten this question many times, what’s considered cheating for you? For all non-addicts out there, know this. For an addict, 100% abstinence is needed in order to maintain recovery. And for all of you who aren’t food addicts, know that with food I have 2 areas that I need to maintain abstinence. The first is trigger foods. For me that is sugar, flour, white potatoes, and cornmeal. The second is volume binging (yes, I’ve used the coined slang). That means either eating too much, and sometimes even just eating too fast. Normally, when I eat too fast I can catch myself and slow down. But overeating… uh uh uh! Not a good thing ever. I also need to be careful to not under-eat (!!!). Sometimes, if I am too lazy to add the extra drop to get the exact weight I end up hearing my addiction telling me, “Come on… You were missing 0.6 oz. You can have a drop more to fill the quota.” Additionally, if I wait too long to eat (if I’m on the road or out shopping), I end up eating way too quickly. Continue reading What’s Cheating? Lesson Learned!
I’m Judy King. I was born in 1983 (you can do the math!) in Brooklyn, NY. When I was about 8.5 my family moved to NJ and I’ve lived here ever since.
I come from a highly dysfunctional, very large, family. I am Jewish, ultra-orthodox and love my life as it is (sometimes…). I am recovering from multiple addictions including: alcohol, food, sex, and self-harm.
Besides for a whole array of employment occupations, I’ve got hobbies, interests, and lots of drama! Continue reading Hello World!